We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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