it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
