This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
