I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
