i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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