Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
