someone get that fucking seahorse.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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