I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
