Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
