She is in my trunk
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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