I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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