Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
