Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
