she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
