You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
