im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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