Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize