did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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