Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
