I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
