oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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