But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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