I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
