is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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