Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
