M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
