woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
