Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
