I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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