I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
