My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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