I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
