i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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