Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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