i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I think i got beer on your cat.
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