No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
