oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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