My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize