Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
