Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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