What a fucking waste of an outfit
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
