Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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