I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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