she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
