White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
