You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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