i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
