Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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