Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
