I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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