I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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