My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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