i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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