he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize