From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i will never coherently bang her
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
