my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
