There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
