saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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