..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
