I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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