I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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