He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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